I’d Still Pick My Friends Over You Or, A True Friend Is Someone You’d Willingly Share A Sandwich With

I got the following message from D:

“So I’m going to the Orlando Food Truck Bazaar and it made me think of you because I know you would love it! Cheap and delicious food. they even have a vegan hot dog cart love you honey! xoxox”

This got me thinking about my friends. As far-flung and different as my friends may be (some are gay, some are straight. Some have kids, some have dogs, some tan, some burn, some are religious, some are atheists), they have the important stuff in common. And what is the important stuff?

Things That Serve as a Solid Foundation for a Solid and Long-Lasting Friendship:

– A Deep and Unabiding Love of Food. I.E. – The ‘Yeah, I Could Eat’ Rule.

I like people who make happy noises while eating. I like people who shove forkfuls of food in your face and say, “This is amazing! Try this!” I like people who are willing to try new restaurants, eat food from trucks and street vendors, but also appreciate the glory that is take-out in front of the television. I like people who order cocktails at brunch, have a favorite pizza joint to which they pledge steadfast loyalty and can passionately debate why Blaise+Fabio are cuter heteto life mates than Stefan+Fabio.

– An Eclectic Taste in Music. I.E. — The “I love you less for not getting down with Prince” Rule.

There is nothing finer than a well-crafted mix CD that blends Al Green with Metallica with ABBA with Patsy Cline with Wilco with The Gaslight Anthem with Bruce Springsteen with Blind Lemon Jefferson with Weezy F. Baby with Hans Zimmer. I’ve never understood people who only listen to one genre of music. I’m pretty sure these misfits would punch your sweet, sweet granny in the face if given the chance. You shouldn’t trust them.

– Killer Taste in Movies/Television. I.E. — The “You don’t love The Goonies? How have you lived this long without someone setting your face on fire?” Rule.

Sports Guy has this rule: If a girl doesn’t like Field of Dreams, don’t date her. My rule is a little more complicated.

If a person doesn’t like Back to the Future, they will kill you in your sleep.
If a person didn’t get emotionally wrecked by the end of Toy Story 3 and the beginning of Up, they have a black hole in place of a heart…and will probably try to poison you.
if a person doesn’t find the golden era of The Simpsons hysterically funny, they are dead inside. Seriously, they’re probably zombies or something, so you might want to keep away for fear of them ripping a chunk out of your arm or something.

– A Love of Gossip.

Talk shit, get hit? No, no, no, my friend. Talk shit, pull up a chair, let me get you a drink and some sort of delicious baked good.

My favorite place in the whole world – more so than Disneyworld, New York City and London in the summer – is my mom’s kitchen table. I have spent countless hours sitting there, eating great food (my sister spent the last few days eating homemade samosas. Words cannot accurately describe how suffused with jealousy I am about this) and gossiping about pretty much everyone ever.

I make no qualms about this since I got this trait honest. Paps is the biggest gossip you will ever meet. EVER (stop making that face, Paps. You know it’s true. Look – Mom’s nodding her head). And I am definitely my father’s daughter.

I Used To Be With It But Then They Changed What It Was Or, Yeah, I Don’t Get That…

Things I Don’t Get:

– Wearing leggings as pants. Dudes, leggings are not pants. If they were, they’d be called pants.
– Why people think Michele Bachman is a viable presidential candidate.
– Yogurt. It has zero textural integrity, often tastes like artificial fruit and it never fills you up. You eat a pot of the stuff and then five minutes later, you’re ravenous again. Yogurt is stupid unless featured in Eight Layer Mediterranean Dip.

– SillyBandz. Note the look of utter confusion on my face as my sister tries to show me what is supposed to be a bird of some sort. Why is this a thing? Why do children treasure/hoard these things? The only person who looked good in jelly bracelets was Madonna circa 1985.
– Charlie Sheen’s popularity. Why are we rewarding an abusive, egomaniacal douche? This is why we can’t have nice things, America. Because we’re a nation that hangs on Charlie Sheen’s every word but would rather drive a Phillips Head Screwdriver in our eyeball before listening to a physicist or oceanographer.
– Why Dramarama wasn’t huge in the 80s.
– Why Jennifer Aniston keeps making crappy rom-coms, the appeal of Megan Fox and why there are magazine covers dedicated to the poor decision-makers of Teen Mom.

Hunter S. Thompson Would Be Proud Or, The Few, The Proud, The Journalists….

Dear Anyone Who Went to J-School:

THIS.

Love:

Jaime xx

P.S. — My home state? Kinda bad-ass. Just saying.

__________________

We want to add some talent to the Sarasota Herald-Tribune investigative team. Every serious candidate should have a proven track record of conceiving, reporting and writing stellar investigative pieces that provoke change. However, our ideal candidate has also cursed out an editor, had spokespeople hang up on them in anger and threatened to resign at least once because some fool wanted to screw around with their perfect lede.

We do a mix of quick hit investigative work when events call for it and mini-projects that might run for a few days. But every year we like to put together a project way too ambitious for a paper our size because we dream that one day Walt Bogdanich will have to say: “I can’t believe the Sarasota Whatever-Tribune cost me my 20th Pulitzer.” As many of you already know, those kinds of projects can be hellish, soul-sucking, doubt-inducing affairs. But if you’re the type of sicko who likes holing up in a tiny, closed office with reporters of questionable hygiene to build databases from scratch by hand-entering thousands of pages of documents to take on powerful people and institutions that wish you were dead, all for the glorious reward of having readers pick up the paper and glance at your potential prize-winning epic as they flip their way to the Jumble… well, if that sounds like journalism Heaven, then you’re our kind of sicko.

For those unaware of Florida’s reputation, it’s arguably the best news state in the country and not just because of the great public records laws. We have all kinds of corruption, violence and scumbaggery. The 9/11 terrorists trained here. Bush read My Pet Goat here. Our elections are colossal clusterfucks. Our new governor once ran a health care company that got hit with a record fine because of rampant Medicare fraud. We have hurricanes, wildfires, tar balls, bedbugs, diseased citrus trees and an entire town overrun by giant roaches (only one of those things is made up). And we have Disney World and beaches, so bring the whole family.

Send questions, or a resume/cover letter/links to clips to my email address below. If you already have your dream job, please pass this along to someone whose skills you covet. Thanks.

Matthew Doig
Sarasota Herald-Tribune
1741 Main St.
Sarasota FL, 34236
(941) 361-4903

Via Droid

Lousy Smarch weather.

Dream A Little Dream Of Me Or, I’ll Always Love You Though, New York

Dear Manhattan:

I dreamed of you last night. Again.

Let’s hang out when it gets warm. Wandering city streets for miles and miles and falling more and more in love with every step.

I’ll buy the coffee and bagels.

Love you always.

Jaime xx

29 Before 29 Or, #16 – Start up a book/movie/music exchange program

Last year, my sister and I started YA Fic Lit Book Club. In addition to trading (and snarking on) books from our childhood, it was also a pretty fantastic feeling to go to the mailbox and get a package of goodies as opposed to bills or a thick wad of flimsy paper advertising crap I don’t need.

It was such a good feeling that I decided that I wanted to keep it going, so #16 on my 29 Before 29 is to maintain a book/movie/music exchange program.

The premise is simple — “I love X and think you would love it too! Let me wing it your way.”

So today, I mailed off the following:

A couple of mix CDs, some books and some other assorted goodies. Stuff I dug that I wanted to share with the people I loved. Hopefully, they like it as much as I do.

Two down, 27 to go.

29 Before 29 Or, #25 – Donate Old Books

The public library is the greatest thing to come out of civilized society.

As a child, the concept blew my mind.

“Wait, wait, wait.
I get to pick any books I want?
And take them home?
Then, I can bring them back and pick more?
And it’s FREE?!”

This love affair has continued long into adulthood and today, I’m a proud Friend of the Library. One of the bonuses of supporting the public library is early admission to the library book sale. It’s a biannual affair which culminates in Five Dollar Bag Day — all the books you can fit into a paper bag for $5. I look forward to this more than my birthday, Christmas, Thanksgiving, Valentine’s Day and Red Cup/Seasonal Winter Beverage Day at Starbucks.

Every year, I come home tottering under the weight of paperbacks and due to this obsession, we’ve run out of shelf space and have books stacked all over our apartment.

One of my 29 Before 29 Resolutions was to donate my old books and today, I went through the stacks.

Augs estimates that the box of books weighs about 30 lbs.

Of course, we still have a pretty sizable library.

This is only about half of it and in three weeks, I’m going to come home, arms trembling under the weight of a paper bag stuffed with paperbacks.

But for right now, #25 can be crossed off my list. One down, 28 more to go.

I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For, Or The Googles! They Do Nothing!

I have three kinds of visitors to this blog:

My parents (Hi Mom and Paps!), my friends (let’s hang out soon?) and people who find themselves here as a result of some search term gone horribly awry.

According to WordPress, typing in ‘Liz Lemon’ or any variant thereof (Liz Lemon Eating, Liz Lemon Sandwich, Liz Lemon Gross Strippers, Liz Lemon Me Want Food) will help find your way here. It looks like my girl Double LL is popular on the internet. And honestly, why wouldn’t she be? She’s funny, smart and has a world view based on sandwiches.

However, if you weren’t searching for Liz Lemon, odds are you found your way here by searching one of the following:

Ron Livingston: You know, I’m actually thankful I’ll never meet this guy. Because doing so would turn me into an idiotic, tongue-tied, blushing slip of a girl unable to do much else besides smile like a complete moron and make a few vowel noises.

I know, right? I KNOW.

Also, Laminated List update coming soon.

Beefy Forearms: Sorry dude. You are not going to find Jersey Shore-esque arms here. Squishy veins and biceps the size of my head? Thanks, but no thanks.

Too Sweet by Charles Bukowski: Again, I am all about rewarding efforts, so here you go: Too Sweet by Charles Bukowski courtesy of the Writer’s Almanac with Garrison Keillor. And from one Bukowski fan to another, here’s a little something extra:

9 bad boys

Céline will bat
lead-off,
Shostakovich is in the
second
spot,
Dostoevsky should hit
3rd,
Beethoven will definitely bat
clean-up,
Jeffers is in the 5th
spot,
Dreiser can hit
6th
and batting 7th
let’s have
Boccaccio
and 8th the
catcher:
Hemingway.

the pitcher?
hell, give me the
fucking
ball.

Bukowski is a cocky bastard and I could not appreciate him more.

Hanta Virus vs. Cold: Firstly, see a doctor. Seriously, dude. If this is an internal debate you are having, you need to see a doctor now. I am the worst person to come to for medical advice. Thirsty? Yeah, that’ll be the diabetes. Headache? Welcome to Tumor-ville. Population: You! Stomachache? Xenomorph’s getting ready to pop out of you. Here’s to hoping you had a sinus infection and not the Hanta Virus.

How To Address Yourself Before A Spanking: No idea how you ended up here, but you might want to try a little formality — “Self, in about five minutes, my ass will be virtually indistinguishable from a baboon’s. That being the case, good luck and think of England.”

Big Sur Style: From what I gather, Big Sur is Disneyland for bohemian types. If I had any semblance of personal style, this is probably what my home look like.

Jose Garces: Iron Chef, resident Philly bad-ass and creator of one of my favorite veggie burgers EVER. If you are in the City of Brotherly Love, check out one of his joints.

Love is a Mixtape PDF: Can’t help you with the PDF, dude. But I highly recommend you pick up Love is a Mixtape: Life and Loss, One Song at a Time and Talking To Girls About Duran Duran: One Man’s Quest For True Love and a Cooler Haircut both by Rob Sheffield. Remember the sage words of John Waters – “If you go home with somebody and they don’t have books, don’t fuck them.” Think about how much time and effort this maxim could save you.

Sister Rules: Yes, mine does. But if you’re looking for a set of bylaws regarding interacting with your sibling, I can’t really do much for you. Good rule of thumb, though? Hang out, eat pizza and rewatch movies you saw growing up together.You’ll both be happier for it.

Richard Grieco+Arrests: As far as I know, our boy Booker has never been arrested. BUT, I hear he thinks he’d be a great candidate to replace Charlie Sheen on Two and a Half Men.

Aaron Sorkin is my Homeboy: You’re damn right he is.

Music Nerds Unite Or, When Was The Last Time Someone Referenced Mr. Mister?

Eighty-five percent of the conversations I have with Will end up with us debating the finer points of pop culture minutiae that no-one has referenced in over a decade.

Jaime: I’m still trying to convince people that Richard Marx rocks.
Will: hmm… you might be fighting that battle solo. But this is coming from someone who thinks Broken Wings by Mr. Mister is grossly overrated.
Jaime: Marx will be right there waiting for you. Wherever you go. Whatever you do. You have to respect that sort of fealty.
Will: Because he’s a creepy stalker. Along the lines of Sting and the Police creeping on some juvenile.

Laugh all your want, but I’m going to make some serious cash in bar trivia contests one day…

Thank You Or, 28: So Far, So Good

Jack is my favorite ex-co-worker EVER. In addition to fully understanding my love for Mean Girls and Paula Deen Riding Things, he also gives the best birthday presents ever. Case in point:

Yes, Camden is chockful of raping, thieving murders with hygiene issues (Sorry New Jerseyites, but y’all know this is true), BUT Jack works there! And there are Sharpies! Who doesn’t love a good Sharpie?

My 28th birthday was pretty fantastic — I got a lot of good wishes, got a sweet text message from Paps that made me cry at work (note to self: buy waterproof mascara. The raccoon look doesn’t look good on Ke$ha and it doesn’t look good on you), got the new Bourdain book and a Bukowski compilation, ate a lot of treats (including Magic Cake made of hopes, the dreams of pixies and the innocent laughter of children….or y’know, chocolate chips and cinnamon sugar), drank a little sloe gin, had a Biggie song dedicated to me and tomorrow — I get to spend quality time eating burgers with the love of my life.

So far, so good. Twenty-Eight, I think we’re going to be friends.