Hiked up to the Hollywood sign, saw a coyote, ate a veggie burger from Counter Burger (again) and watched The Real L Word.
Good day.
Monthly Archives: July 2011
Real World/Road Rules Challenge: The Rivals Recapstasy Or, Episode Six: Blow Up
Just when you thought Kenny had made like Austin and lost his mojo, Mr. Beautiful returns to not only win the mission but also cock Wes’ “gun” and fire off a victory salute (dudes, you can take that one anyway you want to).
.
Team Chowderhead is back, y’all. Locked, loaded and ready for action.
The Recap:
The episode opens with Laurel and CT spending some quality time together upstairs while the rest of the cast members hang out in the lower section of the house. When Laurel emerges from her room, Mandi – all Housewived-up on pinot – yells/slurs, “Have fun with my sloppy seconds, you little whore!”
I’m predicting a loveless marriage and overturned tables in this broad’s future.
Again, I beseech my audience – can someone please explain CT’s appeal to me? The Boston Beast looks like a reject from the Geico caveman commercials, obviously has anger issues and is probably a Pats fan. There is nothing remotely good about that.
The Challenge: Catch and Release
A cast member dangles on a zipline above the water. Their team mate has to take a running leap and essentially tackle them down to the lake at which point, they’ll release the harness and both parties will swim to a buoy. Whoever completes the challenge in the shortest time wins.
Team Boston Beast+1 (CT and Adam) go first and set a pretty high bar as usual. Ever since the show started, Kenny, Wes, Bananas and Evan (heretofore known as the Confederacy of Dunces) have made it their mission to get the Boston Beast punted from the show as he’s the strongest competitor there. The Confederacy of Dunces decide that their best option would be to have Evan throw the mission, land in the Jungle, square off against Team Boston Beast+1 and send them packing.
Seems like a pretty decent plan, right? It is….until you realize that Evan’s the fat kid from Up, CT is Maximum Decidius Meridius and the chance of Evan actually winning against him is less than zero.
Evan throws the mission without telling his partner, Nehemiah (who is rightly pissed off) and then, something wonderful happens. Team Chowderhead (Kenny and Wes) finally break their four DQ streak and actually knock this one out of the park.
Hooray!
One more DQ and I was going to change their name to Team Dillybar.
The Winners:
Men: Kenny and Wes
Women: Laurel and Cara Maria
Which means facing off in the Jungle tonight – Evan and Nehemiah v. CT and Adam.
You know, I’m kinda miffed that Challenges don’t count because Team Crucio would have killed it this week.
Post voting, Mandi hooks up with Wes (how the hell does Gingerbread get women? This is a bigger mystery than dark matter), Mike flirts with Paula and Tyler explains that this CT-Mandi-Wes-Laurel quadrilateral is vomit-inducing. He’s not wrong.
Also, CT and Wes get into this bizarro argument where CT gets all up in Gingerbread’s grill and firmly insists that he’s a “bad boy. Ummm, what? That hasn’t been cool since P.Diddy repped the term in the late 90s…never. It has never been cool.
Jungle Love (Oh-E-Oh-E-Oh!):
The name of the game is Rail Slide. Players hang from a rail 25 feet above the ground and have to slide a pipe from one end of the obstacle course to another. First team to do so wins.
The Confederacy of Dunces has a lot riding on this but dunderheads that they are, they failed to realize that Evan is about as useful as an orca up on that platform and they’ve got no shot.
To the surprise of absolutely goddamn no-one, Team Boston Beast+1 trounce Evan and Nehemiah, leaving the CoD shaking in their basketball shorts.
RW/RR Challenge Fantasy:
Alright Mike, take a knee. Coach has got something to say. Now, you and I both know that you’re only part of Team Crucio because your Las Vegas housemate Adam R flipped out and got sent home. So far, you’ve been pretty solid and I want you to know that I am proud of you. But, you need to step up your game a little.
Basically son, I need you to sleep with Paula.
Look, I know she’s an idiot (why do you always trust the wrong people, Paula? How many times does Bananas have to burn you before you finally get it?) but if you could get nude on camera, sleep with her, deny that you slept with her and work in a little pregnancy scare action a la Trishelle-and-Stephen on the first Las Vegas season, it would mean a lot to the team. Like 110 points a lot.
Think about it, champ. Take one for the team.
Winning an elimination challenge courtesy of CT: 10 points
Verbal fighting courtesy of CT: 5 points
The Boston Beast puts up a lackluster 15 points bringing Team Crucio’s total to 265 points.
And finally, the Quote of the Week:
This week’s honor goes to my sister. She emailed me about the show yesterday and it was hands-down, the best email I have ever gotten.
Ever.
Below are a few highlights:
– I view them as television characters, which on some level they are, but after the four or however many weeks the challenges take place, they go back to living in the same world that I do. Except where I wouldn’t break someone’s leg for $30,000 – they would.
– Also, how did Diem end up with CT? I’ll admit, I was initially confused by the hatred towards him on Rivals, but I now feel like the dude is legitimately insane and would wear my skin as a coat if I scuffed his sneakers.
– Hey buddy, you’re a reality television competition participant, you hold no real power, so how about you don’t be a jackoff?
– If Johnny was smacked in the face every time that he called a woman a ‘bitch’ he would have a permanent imprint of a hand. Also, he’s a grown man that goes by the name Johnny Bananas. I mean, come on.
– I am much too nerdy and boring to get cast on to the Real World and will instead focus on writing a thesis about Napoleon Bonaparte Broward or the Tennessee Civil War Veterans Questionnaires or something else that no one will ever want to read.
– Bob Dole needs to be on this show.
My sister is better than your sister. And funnier. And smarter.
Man, I can’t wait to watch crappy reality television with her again.
The Philly Suburbs Are Officially An Oven, Or Yeah, Global Warming’s A Myth
What the actual what?
Real World/Road Rules Challenge: The Rivals Recapstasy Or, Episode Five: Let’s Get Naked
There is a big difference between the salty veteran viewer of RW/RR Challenge and the rookie.
I got my sister into the show this season and as expected, we have wildly disparate views on the contestants.
Regarding CT
My Sister: He seems like a nice guy and he’s a good competitor.
Me: He tried to remove Adam’s head from his body! He’s insane! He subsists on a diet of lean protein and the blood of orphans!
Regarding Johnny Bananas
My Sister: He seems OK and he likes his partner.
Me: He’s a misogynistic d-bag! Given the chance, he would stab you in the back with a rusty steak knife.
Regarding Kenny
My Sister: I don’t know. He’s not really funny and Wes has been carrying him this whole time.
Me: Granted, he hasn’t been on point this season but trust me — he’s hilarious. Also, I’m pretty sure that for him, pissing off Wes was the best part of having sex with Johanna.
The point I’m trying to make is:
A) I’m a touch hyperbolic. Just a touch.
B) This season is making me look like an asshole. CT has yet to maim someone and grind their bones to make his bread, Bananas has been downright congenial and Kenny? The less said about him, the better.
I’m hoping that things will get better (and by better, I mean worse) but I’m not holding my breath. Anyway, onward and upward.
The Recap:
The episode opens with people exposing flesh and feelings, so it’s a return to classic RW/RR Challenge form.
Adam divulges his chubby for Jenn – “On a scale of one to ten, she’s a 14” and Jenn, Laurel and Paula all strip down and dive into the pool, leaving Adam gawking on the sidelines like a nebbish 14-year-old.
Rookies Jasmine and Jonna start fighting over something irrelevant and Jasmine loses her shit. She takes off her mic, starts crying, starts caterwauling about how she wants to go home and basically, acts like a whiny little twerp.
Evan plays mediator and manages to dissolve some of the tension between these two batshit broads. I am kicking myself in the face right now for not picking Jonna and Jasmine for Team Crucio. Rookies always bring the drama! Damn it — you’d think I would have learned by now.
The Challenge: Against The Current
The contestants have to fight the current and kayak up the rapids. They can’t leave the designated zone and the team with the best time wins the challenge. Fairly rudimentary, right?
Adam and CT go first and make it to the finish in 47 seconds. CT is trying his damndest to be friends with Adam, but Adam’s not having it. Probably because CT’s tried to kill him twice in the past.
The tension in Team Sarah+Katelynn has been building for a while and it comes to a head in this challenge. They start the mission going round in circles and when they finally make it down to the rapids, Sarah almost drowns in the rapids but still manages to save Katelynn who’s stuck in the rocks. Yeah, Katelynn sucks.
Team Chowderhead flip out of their boat and end up DQ’d and Tyler capsizes the kayak and smashes his nuts against the rocks.
The Winners:
Men: Johnny and Tyler also known as Team Hot Banana
Women: Jenn and Mandi
If Challenges counted, I would be killing it this week.
Which means Sarah and Katelynn will be going into the Jungle.
Post-Challenge, Wes explains to Jonna that due to the fact that she voted against Wes’ interests last week, Team Shrieking Rookie will be chucked in The Jungle this week. They actually take it pretty well considering both of these broads flip out at the drop of a dime.
Jenn ends up cuddling with Adam and the boy is giddy…until Leroy totally cockblocks him by snoring like a pug with a sinus infection. This is probably a good thing because Adam wants to marry Jenn. Like Facebook Official, thinking about floral arrangement and baby names TRU LUV, but Jenn? Yeah, she says she needs to be close to blackout drunk to even kiss the boy. Damn girl, that’s pretty frosty.
But hey — if you don’t play the game, the game plays you.
Teej shows up pre-Jungle which is never a good sign. He says he needs a competitor from each team to accompany him, so Katelynn and Jasmine pony up and head on out.
Jungle Love (Oh-E-Oh-E-Oh!):
The name of the game is Unburied
Katelynn and Jasmin are buried in a box underneath a massive heap of hay. They have to remain there silently while their partner digs them out. Once out, the team has to complete a puzzle for the win.
Unfortunately, neither team member knows which pile their partner is buried under, so it’s basically a free-for-fall. The hay starts flying and pretty soon, we see the buried castmembers. Jonna freaks out at Jasmine and screams, “Open the door! This bitch is hot!” but Sarah pulls Katelynn out of the box quicker.
Katelynn is familiar with the puzzle and says she would do it in her sleep. This doesn’t bode well for Jasmine who sucks at life puzzles. In a shocking turn of events, Team Shrieking Rookie beat Sarah and Katelynn.
Ummm, what?
Now I’m really regretting not drafting these two broads for Team Crucio.
RW/RR Challenge Fantasy:
Team Crucio’s love of violating public nudity statutes helped me out in a big way this week.
Intentional Nudity courtesy of Jenn: 20 points
Intentional Nudity courtesy of Tyler: 20 points
Bringing Team Crucio’s total to 250 points.
And finally, The Quote of the Week: This week’s honor goes to Laurel, of all people. When playing a drinking game and asked what Mike would most likely say during coitus – she responds, “I love crop seeds!”
Are you seeing this, Kenny? Laurel is funnier than you this season. Laurel – the girl with a tree’s name and a tree’s personality.
Yeah. Feel shame.
29 Before 29 Or, #24 – Pick A Signature (Gin-Based) Cocktail – Bluecoat and Tonic
Every adult beverage has a stereotype attached to it.
Beer – Nectar of the common man. Best served at a ballpark on a sunny Saturday afternoon.
Whiskey – The bad-ass’ drink of choice. I associate it with my buddy Pepe who rides a Harley, majored in math and waxes philosophical about Li Po.
Vodka – What people drink to get drunk.
Flavored vodka – What annoying girls drink to get drunk
Cotton Candy flavored vodka – What assholes drink to get drunk.
Tequila – What you drink when you’re already drunk.
I am a gin girl, through and through. Don’t get me wrong – a well-blended margarita hits the spot and nothing accompanies nachos and football better than a Bud Light (I know. I know. Stop yelling), but gin?
Well, to appropriate the words of Galileo — gin is light held together by water.
And what kind of people drink gin? Dames – those lovely ladies who are quick with a quip, perpetually amused and likely to break your heart. Also, alcoholic writers who’ve had their hearts crushed like the dame was putting out a cigarette on the sidewalk.
One of my 29 Before 29 Goals this year was to pick a signature cocktail. I figure now that I’m a blurry approximation of an adult, I should have a standard.
My qualifiers were pretty simple:
A) Gin-based. See aforementioned slavish worship of said beverage above.
B) Simple. The half-caf, extra foam, three pump nonsense flies at Starbucks, but not at a bar.
C) Universal. You can find this cocktail everywhere from Berlin to Bombay.
D) Cool. As in served ice-cold. As in refreshing. As in understated. As in something Don Draper would drink. As in doesn’t make you look like an asshole when you order it. Because let’s face it – no-one looks cool ordering a Pink Flamingo or a Rumple Minze.
So, paying tribute to both my English upbringing and my currently home in the Philly suburbs, my signature cocktail is a Bluecoat and Tonic.
Spirit snobs will appreciate that it is a small-batch dry, aromatic gin made from organic botanicals, is distilled five times and blended with triple-filtered water…
….But if you’re like me and just looking for a really damn good cocktail – all you need to know is this.
Bluecoat Gin tastes like magic (if we’re operating under the premise that magic tastes like citrus, rosehips and juniper berries) and you should do everything in your power to procure some right now.
Seriously. It doesn’t matter that you’re at work. Your boss will understand. Especially if you make them a G&T with it. Hell, you might even get a promotion.
Nine down, 20 to go.
(FYI: Bluecoat Gin did not pay me to write this post, but if they wanted to send over a bottle? I’d have no complaints)
I’m No Lady But I’m A Helluva Dame Or, Conversations With Funny People
Excerpts From Random Conversations I’ve Had Today:
Jaime: There needs to be more Zidaney headbutting in football.
McGillis: I wish I’d known better back in 2006. I would have been cheering on the eye-tie assault
Jaime: I tried to convince you, but no — you and Biffle cheered on the Eye-Ties to victory while your Java Bean lamented all by her lonesome. There was a tear in my beer that day, my dear.
McGillis: Well it’s not like we could take your word for it. First, you’re a girl so can’t be trusted in the ways of sports and second, you’re a Brit and simply can’t be trusted.
•••
X: When are you getting your hair dyed for your trip?
Jaime: I already did.
X: Oh. Did you do it yourself?
Jaime: No…..
Oh yeah. My ego is firmly in check.
29 Before 29 Or #28 – Dye My Hair Blonde-ish Again
There’s this old Appalachian folk song called Black is the Color of My True Love’s Hair. It’s been covered by a bunch of different acts like Joan Baez, Nina Simone, Pete Seeger and The Twilight Singers (amazing cover). It’s good. You should check it out.
Black is also the true color of my hair and I kinda hate it, so for the past decade – I’ve been actively working against it.
My hair was looking rough. Black roots, brassy out-of-the-box color and over processed tips. Yuck.
Luckily, my girl Ali at the fabulous Calista Grand Salon and Spa in West Chester hooked me up big time. I walk in with a couple of pictures of Eva Mendes, mention caramel hair with honey blonde highlights and three hours later — magic!
No more terrifying roots! How does Shakira pull off that look, anyway?
Hooray for new hair!
Mom, stop shaking your head, rolling your eyes and clucking your tongue. It looks cute.
Eight down, 21 to go.
Real World/Road Rules Challenge: The Rivals Recapstasy Or, Episode Four: D-Day
You know, for a show named Rivals — there’s not all too much rivalry afoot.
Kenny’s been pretty quiet this season (what the what, Mr. Beautiful? You think we like you because of your sparkling orthodontia and washboard abs? Well, we do BUT we like you even more when you’re maligning Wes and sleeping with his exes), Bananas has really toned down the misogynistic douchebaggery and CT has yet to rip open someone’s throat and make a plasma-rita from what spews forth.
It makes a girl miss the good ol’ days when Julie the Mormon was stirring the pot by trying to kill Veronica and challenging Coral to a wrestling match (Listen sweetheart, I realize that on your season, you went toe-to-toe with some broad named Squirrel, but Coral doesn’t wrestle. She beats bitches up).
Tonight’s episode was no different. I really hope people stop being polite and start getting belligerent soon because this is starting to get dull.
The Recap:
The show opens with the cast members hanging out on a gorgeous Costa Rican beach. While the girls frolic topless in the surf, the boys hang out on the sand and talk strategy. Everyone whines about their respective partners except for Bananas who says that he and Tyler are, “going to tear the roof off this bitch.” Here’s to hoping he’s right because that would mean some serious points for Team Crucio.
Last week’s episode set up this week’s politicking. Realizing that CT is the biggest threat in the house, the boys set up a threeway…alliance – Kenny and Wes, Bananas and Tyler and Evan and Nehemiah – to get CT and Adam punted from the Challenge.
They plan to send CT into the Challenge first to set the bar and then, have Evan and Nehemiah disqualify on purpose so the duos will face one another in the Jungle. The boys call it D-Day and I’m guessing the D probably stands for ‘Dumbass.’
Seriously, this could not be a more ill-conceived plan. EV hits the nail squarely on the head when she says, ” CT will kick the shit out of Evan because Evan is fat and out of shape.”
Pre-Challenge, the cast mates drink Midori cocktails (it was either Midori or someone shoved Slimer into a blender) and play a RW/RR staple – Truth or Dare.
Ty smooches up on Paula, Mandi and Laurel play the faux lesbian card (probably to entice CT – can someone please explain to me why these broads are attracted to him? No, ladies! Just…no) and The Boston Beast gets buck naked and leaps into the pool.
Dudes, if I lived in this house – I would never go swimming. You know whatever’s living in that pool is impervious to chlorine.
The Challenge:
The name of the game is Hammock Crawl. Cast mates have to crawl from one platform to another via a series of hammocks. Both team members must be in the same hammock at the same time. If they do it in fifteen minutes, they’re golden. If they take longer or fall out of the hammock, they get a first-class ticket to DQ-Ville.
Despite thinking it’s a shit awful idea, EV and Paula pick CT and Adam to go first against my boys Lee and Mike and as expected, Team Boston Beast+1 comes out ahead.
Adam gets whiny about how no-one cheers for him, Katelynn refuses to participate resulting in a DQ, Kenny flips upside down within the first 30 seconds, falls, disqualifies Team Chowderhead and totally screws up the boys’ plan. Due to this loss, Evan and Nehemiah decide they need to win so as to control the game.
Spoiler alert: They don’t.
The winners of Hammock Crawl are:
Men: Johnny and Tyler.
Women: No-one due to the fact that no-one completed the mission. In the words of our boy Teej, “This ain’t charity, girls.”
Since Kenny and Wes had the worst time, they’ll be going back into the Jungle.
Kenny’s been out of sorts this season. Dude hasn’t been quippy and spends post-Challenge pouting – “I feel like I lost my mojo, bro. “
Not gonna lie – it’s kind of cute. In a related story, I hate myself. Again.
The D-Day plan disbands because there is no way Team Chowderhead is going up against Team Boston Beast+1.
So, Brandon and Ty? Welcome to the Jungle. If you want it, you’re gonna bleed. But it’s the price you pay.
Post-Vote, the cast members hit up local club, El Lobby where Mikey ends shirtless with Paula grinding all over him and sucking tequila out of his belly button. Mmmm, lint, tequila and sweat! Look, I think Mike’s pretty damn adorable but I’d rather lick a sidewalk in Midtown Manhattan than suck booze out of someone’s belly button.
Back at the house, Wes busts out with, “It’s hard for me not to have an ego because I keep beating people at stuff. In real life and in this game.”
Umm obviously not, bro. Because this is the second time you’re going into The Jungle. Also, Kenny boned your ex-fiance. On television. How did that work for your ego?
Jungle Love (Oh-E-Oh-E-Oh!):
The name of the game is Going Up.
Run and jump across a pit, climb a rope and ring a bell. Seems pretty simple. The first attempt is a tie, so Wes and Brandon go for broke in round two.
Gingerbread smokes Brandon in the second round and Team Chowderhead wins another elimination round.
RW/RR Challenge Fantasy:
Team Crucio went straight up Bellatrix on my ass this week (and if that reference doesn’t cement my nerd cred, I don’t know what will):
Intentional Nudity courtesy of CT: 20 points
Winning the Elimination Challenge courtesy of Kenny (even though technically, Wes carried his ass through the episode): 10 points
Bringing Team Crucio’s total to 210 points.
And finally, Kenny’s Quote of the Week:
You know what, Kenny? You do not get a quote of the week anymore. You used to be funny and now, you’re just this mopey bastard who spends more time hugging his pillow than he does verbally eviscerating his cast mates. What happened to you, man? You used to be cool.
This week’s honor goes to Gingerbread again for this gem: “I’m a physical specimen carved by Zeus.”
Pretty sure that Zeus never did any masonry, but you know what, Red Rock? I’m gonna let that one slide on account of your win this week. Now, see if you can get your team mate back to his old self. I kinda miss the Wes and Kenny show and my fantasy team would be doing a lot better if he stepped up his game a little.
Adventures in Culinary Assembly Or, I’m The (Greek) Dip!
I can’t cook.
Oh, I can take raw ingredients and feed myself relatively well, but real actual cooking that involves deglazing and scalding milk and making stuff like beurre blanc? You should probably call Mom instead.
However, if you need a girl to assemble food into some semi-credible semblance of food? Look no further. My pizza is delicious (topped with balsamic-marinated tomatoes), I rock the hell out of some huevos rancheros (I make my own pineapple-mango salsa and it is goddamn glorious) and last time I made Greek Dip, the ravenous hordes in my family inhaled it within fifteen minutes.
So, I decided to recreate the dish for my office’s summer picnic thus creating yet another exciting addition to the blog – Adventures in Culinary Assembly!
I ripped off the Greek Dip recipe from Whole Foods and made a couple of amendments. It’s relatively healthy (provided you don’t eat an entire dish of it while parked in front of a Law and Order: SVU marathon), tasty and easy. If you make it, let me know how it turns out.
So, you’re gonna need the following:
Grape tomatoes, green onion, cucumber, a can of artichoke hearts, baby spinach, Greek yogurt, hummus, black olives, extra virgin olive oil, salt, black pepper and oregano. As for measurements, add more of what you like and less of what you don’t.
Yeah, it’s this kind of mentality that precludes me from being able to cook.
Dump the hummus into the baking dish and smooth it out as best you can.
Tenderly place leaves of baby spinach atop the hummus.
Add the artichokes. Give ’em a bit of a rough chop first, though.
Chop your tomatoes into halves and then, halves yet again. No, not quarters because quarters look different. Also, get rid of the tomato guts. They’re gross. Nobody likes them.
Mix tomatoes with salt, pepper and olive oil. Set aside.
Dice up a cucumber. If you want to get really fancy, you can brunoise it but let’s face it — if you know how to brunoise, there is no way you’re reading this blog.
Put diced cucumber into a mixing bowl, add salt and pepper and dump in some Greek yogurt.
Try to win Mom’s affection by trying this damn yogurt thing yet again.
Figure 1: Look Mom! I’m eating yogurt and I’m making the same face I always do when confronted with what I lovingly refer to as, “the fetid spunk of Satan himself.”
Figure 2: Oh, this is terrible! Why do people eat this?!
Figure 3: Oh my God. This tastes like sputum. What is sputum, anyway? I should Google that.
(Googles ‘Sputum’).
Oh sweet Jesus Christ….
Figure 4: Look Mom! I ate a spoonful of yogurt! Mmmm, it’s….bacterial culture-y! Love me!
Also, this is what I look like when I first wake up in the morning (no make-up, scrunchy face, shirt stolen from Augs’ closet) so I know what you’re all thinking. Yes, Augs is a remarkably lucky man. Not only does he get to wake up next to that, but as I mentioned earlier – I can’t cook and I steal his clothing. Dude obviously won the soulmate jackpot (I love you, Pookie! Please don’t realize the truth and adios on me!).
Add ridiculous amounts of oregano, salt and pepper in a desperate attempt to make Greek yogurt taste less yogurty.Stir briskly.
Remember those tomatoes you set aside? Give ’em a quick stir and add them to the dish.While you were fiddling around with the yogurt, they were marinating. Remember to drizzle any excess olive oil over the dish.
Dollop yogurt over dish and smooth out as best as you can.
Top with green onions, black olives and feta cheese.
Resist urge to shove face directly into dish. Serve with pita chips, pita bread or crackers.
Serves about eight-ish or two siblings parked on the couch watching marathon television.
See? So easy, I could do it…and I did.
If you make it, I hope you guys dig it as much as I do.
Enjoy!
Happy Birthday Biffle Or, In My World OTC Means Over-The-Counter Not Off The Chain.
The Atwood to my Cohen.*
As similar as we are (deep abiding love of sandwiches, appreciation of cold beer, spicy food and pro-wrestling, firm belief that Tom Brady is representative of all that is soulless and wrong in this world…), Biffle and I are remarkably different people.
He speaks when he has something to say whereas I talk to make noise.
He adheres to a live and let live philosophy whereas I should change my name to Judgey McJudgerson.
He’s so hood like DJ Khaled whereas I’m all about little boxes made me of ticky-tacky which all look the same.
My white-bread suburban mindset never ceases to entertain him, so in honor of his birthday – here’s an email I sent him a couple of weeks ago that crystallizes just how different we really are.
Even though I know you’ll never read this (Biffle doesn’t need to read the blog. He gets front row seats and a backstage pass to my inanity), I feel I’d be remiss if I didn’t show you some blog love on your birthday.
Happy birthday, Brorannosaurus Rex!
I never knew how much I needed a brother until I met you.
Shut up.
I’m a girl.
I’m allowed to say lame-ass stuff like that.
Oh, the hell with this. Chipotle/TJ Flats run? I’m buying.
***
I’ve got Mrs. Officer by Lil’ Wayne and Bobby Valentino on my iPod and it plays pretty often when I’m commuting back and forth from work.
Because I’m harder than a concrete boner, I take great pride in singing along to this track every time I hear it, but it was only this morning when I realized something.
Weezy sings, “All she wants to do is fuck the police.”
At first, I thought this was some NWA shout-out, not really germane to the topic of the song, but then — BLINDED BY REVELATION!
The song is called Mrs. Officer and when Wayne sings about fucking the police, he’s actually talking about engaging in carnal relations with the titular subject!
It all makes sense now.
Oh Weezy F. Baby, you sly rascal.
Too Sweet For Rock & Roll 